Panic would set in: how was I going to be able to support him with his journey in life when I still felt like I was behaving like a reactive teenager who was managing a massive “to-do” list that never ended?
The world really looks different. Instead of looking for faults everywhere, such as potholes in the road, traffic jams or grumpy people, I now see the kindness in between.
The envelope arrived in the mail explaining the basic info I needed to know for my surgery. “Surgery?” I thought… I wanted to use this experience to really apply Dharma, to strengthen my refuge practice.
I struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was so familiar with the feeling that I identified with it: ‘I am an anxious person’. This thought pattern had become a necessary part of how I processed the challenges I faced in my life.
I first encountered Kadampa Buddhism when I was 16 years old. I was full of hope and ambition. But I was also midway through a new and crippling challenge that had crept up on me and begun to ruin my life, social anxiety.
I came to meditation when I was in a very dark phase of my life. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was experiencing high functioning depression and high functioning anxiety.
We talk about “living in the now,” but having cancer gave me this real opportunity — this knowledge that if you truly live in the now, you won’t experience the suffering of things that haven’t happened.
I started to suffer from insomnia. Worrying about not sleeping soon became a “runaway train” and soon was followed by general anxiety and depression.
As I navigate this confusing thirty-something singlehood, I am discovering that some Buddhist principles, learned at my meditation centre, offer profound wisdom and serenity.
Suddenly I could see that that this isn’t necessarily who I am, it’s just a thought I’m having. I could think different thoughts. In any moment, I have flexibility…
General Spiritual Director
