Social Anxiety
Thomas Tozer
Overcoming social Anxiety Through Love
I first encountered Kadampa Buddhism when I was 16 years old. A ripe, fresh-faced teenager; I was full of hope and ambition. But by then, I was also midway through a new and crippling challenge that had gradually crept up on me and begun to steadily ruin my life: social anxiety.
A vicious circle
I had developed a painful habit of blushing for no reason when meeting people, speaking to people, or even just being smiled at. It began when I was about 12, and when it would arise, the feelings of self-consciousness and embarrassment were intensely painful - the kind of ‘please, ground, open up and swallow me now,’ multiple times a day, kind of painful. But behind it all, there was a bigger cycle at play. The anxiety anticipating a blush would itself induce a blush, leading to a vicious self-fulfilling circle of anxiety and blushing. Before I knew it, the anxiety - which was both the main cause and the worst symptom of the whole affair - had become life-consuming. I would wake up with it. Go through the day with it. Go to bed with it. And then wake up with it again, a helpless victim to the whole thing. The more I worried about it, and thought about how much I wanted it to stop, the worse it would get. How, I asked myself, could I fulfil any of my dreams, find a girlfriend, or even enjoy my life in a basic way if I was anxious and blushing all the time? It was a sad and painful question to think about.
I tried a few methods to solve the problem. Some of them were interesting, some very expensive, and some made it worse - Google especially. But none of them worked. Before I knew it, I strongly identified myself as a person suffering with this anxiety and its results. And that strong identification, I later learned from Buddhism, only made it all worse.
![AdobeStock_429421963 AdobeStock_429421963](https://kadampa.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/AdobeStock_429421963.jpeg)
The light bulb moment!
Then, aged 16, I met Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso (Geshe-la). My twin brother and I attended Geshe-la’s final Spring Festival in 2009, and Geshe-la was teaching on the mind of love. The mind of cherishing love, Geshe-la explained, is the opposite of what Buddha called ‘self-cherishing’. First, with self-cherishing, we grasp strongly at a real, independent self - this is called ‘self-grasping’. Then we cherish this self and its feelings as supremely precious and important, while neglecting others and their feelings - that is ‘self-cherishing’. But through training, Geshe-la continued, it is possible to reduce and finally overcome this mind completely, and to replace it, gradually, with a selfless, blissful love for others.
Self-cherishing, and self-grasping - ‘Wow, that’s what I’ve got!’ I thought, utterly stunned that the problem I’d been suffering with for years, and had totally failed to reach any proper understanding of, or solution to, was suddenly being explained - perfectly, succinctly, and with complete clarity. ‘And that’s where this whole painful suffering is coming from!’
I realised that my anxiety, and the whole cycle of this anxiety and blushing, was based on a strong concern for myself: what others think of ME, how I (not others) feel, and the effect all this was having on MY life. Pure self-cherishing - every aspect of my anxiety was focused on ME and MY feelings, while neglecting others and their feelings. And when I did blush, my sense of an independent self could fill a room - textbook self-grasping! If I were to stop grasping at myself, and if I were to focus on others and their feelings rather than me and mine, there would be no basis for anxiety at all. There would also be no basis for blushing; and even if I did blush, why would it matter? If I was focused only on others and their feelings, it would not bother me at all. And so, for the first time, I could see light at the end of the tunnel - and I understood how to get there.
![AdobeStock_434230470 AdobeStock_434230470](https://kadampa.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/AdobeStock_434230470.jpeg)
Breaking the Cycle
The sense of hope and relief I got from understanding, for the first time, what was actually causing my suffering, and how I could overcome it, was extraordinary. I could see a way through! I was so happy. And I felt so deeply appreciative of Venerable Geshe-la for his incredible and illuminating teachings, which were revealing this liberating path to me.
From then on, I became very interested in Buddha’s instructions on overcoming self-grasping, and especially on controlling self-cherishing and learning to cherish others. I began studying The New Eight Steps to Happiness by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso on Foundation Programme at my local meditation centre, and learned techniques for controlling self-cherishing in daily life. My suffering became a source of deep and persistent inspiration. I could see so clearly that self-cherishing and self-grasping were the source of terrible suffering, because I had such a regular, vivid experience of this - it was clear that the whole cycle of suffering I had been going through was a result of these two negative minds. And, seeing this, I became determined to overcome them and to learn to cherish others. Even cycling to school in the morning, I would be thinking about how I could develop the mind of cherishing others. And when blushing or social anxiety arose, I would make an effort to practise Buddha’s special methods for stopping strong self-cherishing from developing. At the same time I would try, instead of thinking about myself and my feelings, to focus on others and how they were feeling - recognising that I was just one person, and that the temporary unpleasant feelings of just one person are really not so important. The effect was magical.
![AdobeStock_429447879 AdobeStock_429447879](https://kadampa.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/AdobeStock_429447879.jpeg)
Gaining confidence
The grosser aspects of my blushing and anxiety problem reduced and disappeared within a matter of months. Within two years, I was a very different person - I was so much happier and more peaceful. At a less gross level, I still became anxious and would sometimes blush, but the problem was becoming steadily smaller and less overwhelming. And the more familiar I became with Buddha’s teachings, the more comfortable my life became. I began developing a power to dispel strong self-cherishing, and, when it was arising, to shift my mind to others and their feelings. Through this practice, I literally got my life back. The difference was incredible.
And yet that was just the beginning. Self-cherishing and self-grasping are deep mental habits, and although I’ve overcome some of their grosser manifestations, they continue - of course - to arise and disturb my mind in various guises, every day. But through practising Venerable Geshe-la’s instructions on training the mind, I am able to keep improving, every day - to love others more, to keep reducing my self-concern and self-grasping, and to increase my power to make others happy. Venerable Geshe-la’s teachings are so precious, and I am inexpressibly grateful to him for revealing them to me. Through his guidance, I overcame the worst suffering I have experienced in this life, entered the spiritual path, and am able to strive every day to keep growing and to benefit others, continually. I am so lucky.
Thomas Tozer attends KMC London